Relationship Flags
approx. 5 minute read
They say your twenties is an era of figuring out your life: experimenting through trial and error, having epiphanies, and deciding on what you truly want out of this experience on Earth. I’d say this is true for me and as my brain is fully developing, I find myself gaining more clarity with each day. And the best thing about receiving clarity is that I can confidently make decisions knowing that they align with my life and what I know is waiting for me.
The decisions I’m making these days are heavily reliant on my boundaries and they have only been getting stronger and clearer. No one should do something or deal with someone that makes them feel uncomfortable, unlovable, disrespected, or confused past the hope of understanding. I refuse to be in a relationship with anyone who dims my light and everyone should feel that way.
In this post, I’ll be listing a few red and green flags that break or make relationships for me. I understand that reading the red flags may be triggering for some as there are brief mentions of substance abuse and manipulative behaviors. These mentions are solely that and do not go into detail at all. Please take a break from reading if you find yourself uncomfortable and reach out for support if necessary.
This post ends with the green flags, which are much more positive and heartwarming. I hope to express my thoughts while providing informative and entertaining content for those who read.
My Red Flags 🚩
I know I’m experiencing red flags when I feel sick and uneasy. Past scenarios run through my mind as I analyze them anxiously. When I lose the desire to connect or express appreciation for people, there’s no coming back from that.
Problematic Friends 🚩
One joy in life is choosing who gets to be in your world. As an adult, you decide who your friends are. You decide who you are in a romantic relationship with. These people should be good and should add positivity to your life. Because you choose who is in your world, those individuals reflect who you are. This applies to everyone.
That being said, your friend’s friend reflects who they are too. If I notice that your friend or significant other is problematic, I do not want to be associated with you. I’ve realized that when someone has a problematic friend or significant other, they mirror behaviors or are in a detrimental relationship. This dynamic will eventually rub off on you or impact your life until it becomes chaotic like theirs. Misery loves company, but it’s important to have standards and to know your boundaries to avoid these issues.
Here are some examples of a friend who has problematic friends or significant others:
A friend who allows their friend to speak negatively about you
A friend has a boyfriend that is racist, sexist, homophobic, etc.
A friend who has a friend who doesn’t respect boundaries
I’ve lost count of times that a “friend” allowed their crusty boyfriend/girlfriend to talk about me without knowing anything about me. Or I notice a friend has a friend who has predatory behavior. It is best to cut ties with people with friends like this for your safety and sanity, as you will be affected by their lack of boundaries and standards.
Manipulative Behaviors 🚩
According to Merriam-Webster.com, manipulative means “of, relating to, or performed by manipulation” and “serving or intended to control or influence others in an artful and often unfair or selfish way”. This is a behavior I simply do not deal with. Oftentimes, the other party tries to manipulate me before I even know it. And if I find myself in that situation, I leave. Quickly.
Examples of Manipulative Behavior:
Lying or twisting words
Passive-aggressiveness
Being hypercritical
Attempting to make others fearful
Love-bombing
Gaslighting
You can not reason with liars or gaslighters. You can not reason with anyone who does the above because they don’t truly care about you. It’s best to take your light elsewhere.
Heavy Substance Use 🚩
It’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone who is a heavy substance user. I’m not referring to a social marijuana smoker or the occasional alcohol consumer. Some may even drink a glass of wine every night with dinner, but I’m not referring to those people either. I’m referring to individuals who have addictions that affect their lives and the lives around them.
Addictions to vapes, marijuana, alcohol, hard drugs, etc. can cause brain damage that leads to:
Paranoia
Impaired Memory
Altered Judgement
Lack of mood control
Lack of impulse control
I do not feel safe or capable of having a healthy relationship with someone who has an addiction to substances. Having control of your impulses and making the right choices as an adult is vital; it can save your life. And one’s paranoia will have them believing you are a villain or plotting against them.
Because addictions can alter behavior, this may cause one to become manipulative, which connects to my previous point about manipulative behaviors. Lying, twisting words, hypercritical behaviors, etc. can easily occur in those who heavily use substances. And you can not reason with anyone who does that.
Green Flags ✅
When I experience green flags, I feel hopeful and inspired. There’s a huge sense of relief and safety present. I feel seen, understood, and appreciated. Everything makes sense and life feels better.
Affirms Our Relationship ✅
Communication is important in every relationship and I believe there are many ways to express feelings. Affirming a relationship is all about expressing that what you have with another person is real, strong, and valuable.
Affirming a relationship may look like:
Inviting you to hang out, go to events, or go on dates
Expressing love and appreciation through words
Providing emotional or financial support
Sharing media like music, posts, and books
This is all about showing a friend or significant other that you truly love and care for them. My heart warms when a friend reminds me that we are like family or I get a message inviting me to spend time with them. The small effort of reaching out and sharing thoughts is so valuable and proves that I am a special addition to their life.
Having Their Own Hobbies & Goals ✅
Your chosen loved ones should be compatible with you and it is very possible that you have the same interests; that is a beautiful thing! However, they must have their own dreams, goals, and hobbies. This allows them to focus on the development of their character.
Being involved in hobbies and working towards goals:
Aids in self-development
Contributes to health & wellbeing
Invites inspiration & collaboration
Staying busy with hobbies that spark joy and inspiration contributes to one’s well-being, which positively affects relationships. If my friend dreams of becoming a dancer and dedicates time to practice routines, she is developing a sense of self-worth and purpose. They have a focus that is outside of our relationship, which creates balance. Not only is my friend then in good spirits because of this, but so am I because I support it, and we share a common ground of working towards our goals.
Flexible & Open-minded ✅
Our society is complex and the human experience has many ups and downs. As we all navigate our lives, it’s important to be flexible and acknowledge different perspectives, within our boundaries, to have good character and a good quality of life. From trying new things and going on adventures to being sympathetic and respectful, it is vital to be open-minded and flexible, otherwise, you may miss out on opportunities.
Being flexible and open-minded includes:
Being patient, understanding, and tolerant
Enjoying different activities and experiences
Adapting to different environments
I’m so thankful for my friends because they understand I like to be adventurous and spontaneous. If our plans deviate, we make the best of our situation. They also accept that I require alone time and enjoy my own company. My friends often “read the room” and use their best judgment in different situations. If I’m tired or unwell, I am not a burden to them; they go out of their way to ensure that I have what I need, as I do the same for them.
Just writing about my green flags now makes me feel so full and warm. This feeling can not be mistaken or overlooked. When someone is meant to be in your life, you will know.